This Thanksgiving, I refuse to give thanks.
Now mind you, if I were to be thankful, I'd be more thankful than anyone else at the dinner table. Everyone would be envious of my degree of thankfulness. They'd give thanks for how thankful I am.
But instead of capitalizing on the obligatory holiday pseudo-sensitivity, I'm going to give thanks tomorrow, Black Friday, when it really counts. I plan on thanking Michael's for all of their great prices on stretched canvas. I'll thank them with a credit card and they'll thank me back with forty percent off of my next purchase.
Here in the US, it's a widespread misconception that today is a blessing of the harvest, an anniversary of an Anglo-Indigenous potluck, or even a celebration of large, buckling hats. But Thanksgiving is actually a Hindu holiday. That's right...give enough thanks today and karma will even out your ridiculous behavior tomorrow.
I'm not Hindu. I refuse to give thanks. Let's go buy some crap.
