I bought a new iPhone yesterday. It does a lot of stuff I don't need it to do. A nice man at the store went through the latest features...it's all Greek to me. I needed a phone that charged up and made calls when you plugged the cord in, as mine stopped doing that. The iPhone XS charges when you plug it in...it's a great phone.
I dedicated part of my afternoon to understanding the more advanced nuances of my new contraption. I was able to use a colorful virtual button to find answers to things I'd been pondering while rehearsing my finger acrobatics. Here's what I found, according to the truth that is the Internet via smartphone:
There are over 325 million people in the United States. Over 85 million (more than 25 percent of the population) of those folks have an iPhone like I do.
I bet most of those folks know how to operate their iPhones better than I'll ever be able to. And given the iPhone's ability to answer any question you may have on demand with its Apps and Siris and Locators and Face Recognizers, I have to assume all of those folks who can navigate their touchscreens better than I to be immensely more intelligent than I'll ever be. With the iPhone becoming such a universal appendage, it's fair to say we're all getting smarter, right? With all of the information available at a flick of the finger, and with a substantial part of our society jumping on the AI bandwagon, the collective knowledge of the human race must be reaching an unfathomable high, right? I can feel my brain swelling...no wait, that's my data usage...no wait, same thing.
I found another factoid on my iPhone Internet that may or may not be true but will undoubtedly roll the eyes of a few of you...
There are an estimated 365 million guns in the United States.
Don't worry, I'm not going to regurgitate a predictable point of view...I'll be creative...
I wonder what will happen when there are more iPhones in the US than people? I mean, what will happen when there are almost as many iPhones as guns? I bet we'll all be geniuses. We're going to be a bunch of super smart people, thinking through our fingers and shooting stuff. Hold your brain in one hand and protect it with the other. Don't tread on me, trend on me...or else.
Now, I know what you're thinking—"It's a shame I can't just threaten and kill things with my smartphone."—right? Maybe, if you're not already a selfie-taking text message-typing distracted driver, you can implore Apple to build a gun into the next iPhone? "Think different", right? Just imagine how cool it would be to play those first-person shooter games with a fully automatic cell phone that you could actually load an extended magazine of bullets into...for hunting, of course. Double-tap, swipe up, safety off, shoot something, post to instatwitter.
Hey Siri, am I safe yet?
