I didn't write this, but thought I should share it. I love a good salad and this really hit home for me. At first, I didn't want to take him seriously, but I checked his Twitter and he really does have a lot of followers.
People,
Yesterday, I consumed a cobb salad at my favorite local restaurant. The salad was alright...just okay, really. It was not a great salad. The lady at the counter promised me it was a great salad. We have been wronged, people.
I don't like their cobb salads at all, actually...never did. Their food is disgusting, unpalatable, disgusting and frankly, not fit for human consumption. In fact, my dog eats better food. They're very ugly people, really. Believe me, I could prepare a better meal for you. My cobb salad would be so much better, it would get so much better reviews, you wouldn't believe it. Believe me, I'm a smart guy, and the salads at this restaurant have awful reviews. It's a pity, really. All of their food comes from China actually...I know it. And I hate that. I love Chinese people. The real problem here, people, is the woman that served me my salad. The people at this restaurant really should look into getting some makeup or something. Believe me....I didn't even eat the salad because this woman was so ugly. A disgusting beast. But really, I love women and I'm so good to them. I've got great respect for them and you know what? They like me. Why wouldn't they like me? I'm a great guy, actually. You know, we should board-up that restaurant so they can't serve us their food anymore. We can make our own salads anyway, people. I'm planning on building the most bestest, incredible, biggest phenomenal cobb salad restaurant you've ever seen. Believe me...it's going to be the best. And when you eat my salad you'll be able to tell your loved ones that they can sleep comfortably, because I was right. Believe me, I'm not a dumb guy, and I absolutely cherish all women and I think they're great, but that salad was horrible. Did you know the Chinese created global warming to make manufacturing in the U.S. unable to compete? You really should try my salad, it's far better than anything else you've had, believe me. And you know what, people, some people think I'm really smart. But you know what? Guess what? Some people think I'm really, really, really smart.
I went ahead and tweeted a video of me at the batting cages as a young man. I had my people edit it. My people are the best people out there. They replaced the baseballs with cobb salads from this disgusting restaurant. Every time the machine throws a ball, I hit the salad and it goes everywhere. I hit at least 100 salads. Believe me, I know how to play baseball. I used to be the best baseball player I know. I am sure that everyone will love my video because of how disgusting those salads were and how good I hit them. It will get way more hits on Twitter. I have more followers on Twitter than Beyonce. Believe me, I'm really popular on Twitter.
- @Richard P. Fumple
